Flourish by loving fate
Life is full of highs and lows. We succeed and fail; we experience moments of joy and sorrow, moments of deep frustration, and moments of satisfaction. But how can we ride these massive emotional waves? Reaching the peak is struggling, but the descent is lightning fast. How can we keep a positive attitude in the face of adversity or involuntary life challenges? How can we stay calm, clear-headed, and energized? Amor fati, or Stoic acceptance, is one tool in this endeavor.
And because acceptance is on everyone's lips, I'd like to take a closer look at what amor fati means, where it connects with Stoicism, and what it all has to do with radical acceptance.
TL;DR
- Amor fati means "love of fate" and was introduced by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.
- Ancient Stoics practiced acceptance and encouraged its practitioners to even wish that events happen as they do because it's for the health of the universe.
- Radical acceptance is a modern term in dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT).
Amor Fati Meaning
"My formula for greatness in a human being is amor fati: that one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it—all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary—but love it." Friedrich Nietzsche
Amor fati is a Latin phrase that translates to "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". This concept was introduced by Friedrich Nietzsche and is linked to Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius. It's about accepting and loving your current situation. This includes suffering and loss. Amor fati encourages us to see everything as good for our human growth or at least as necessary.
So, amor fati is not an ancient concept of Stoicism but is nowadays used in the modern Stoic community to express the love of fate and refers to the practice of acceptance within Stoicism.
What is Stoic Acceptance?
"Everything harmonizes with me, which is harmonious to you, O Universe. Nothing for me is too early nor too late, which is in due time for you. Everything is fruit to me which your seasons bring, O Nature: from you are all things, in you are all things, to you all things return." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.23
"Let the perfecting and accomplishment of the things which the common nature judges to be good, be judged by you to be of the same kind as your health. And so accept everything which happens, even if it seem disagreeable, because it leads to this, to the health of the universe and to the prosperity and happiness of Zeus." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 5.8
While the ancient Stoic philosophers didn't use the term amor fati, they also had the understanding that trying to resist fate only leads to suffering. Marcus Aurelius reminds himself that everything is fruit for him and that nothing happens too early or too late. It's always the right time when nature believes he has to bear something. Everything leads to the health of the universe, even if it seems disagreeable. We're just a tiny part of the whole and have to fulfill our roles. Our happiness isn't dependent on external circumstances because everything is a fruit for us - something we can work with.
"Demand not that events should happen as you wish; but wish them to happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." Epictetus, Enchiridion 8
Epictetus encourages us to manage our expectations toward events. The passage "... you will go on well." reminds us that we reduce struggle by accepting and even wishing that events happen as they do.
Releasing the resistance can lead to a happier and more balanced life. For Stoics, acceptance is essential to establish a solid character and flourish.
The Meaning of Radical Acceptance
Okay, we've covered amor fati and Stoic acceptance. But what's radical acceptance? This term refers to a skill or concept used in DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). One has to learn to fully accept things as they are. Instead of avoiding, ignoring, or wishing things would have happened differently, one must acknowledge and accept reality without judgment. Whether a situation is positive or negative doesn't matter at first. Accepting the facts and facing reality is the first step to overcoming struggles.
Amor Fati - Radical Stoic Acceptance
Sounds all pretty similar, right? Indeed it is, and that's why I like to explain amor fati as Radical Stoic Acceptance. All the terms have the same common ground, share the same attitude, and are subject to the same criticisms (to which I come later).
4 key components of Radical Stoic Acceptance:
- Accept what is outside of your control.
- Accept all upcoming emotions.
- Be non-judgmental.
- Love what happens to you and see it as a chance for personal growth.
How You Benefit From Practicing Radical Stoic Acceptance
"What a power man has to do nothing except what God will approve, and to accept all that God may give him." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.11
You may have also heard the saying of Seneca that fate leads the willing and drags along the reluctant. If we accept all that God, the Universe, or fate gives us and let us direct, we can live a flourishing life.
Excellent poker players will do their best with the given cards. The same goes for us in life. Complaining leads nowhere, but when we accept our cards, we can use our energy to figure out a game plan and play as well as possible.
This will increase your confidence in yourself and your ability to handle adversities. Furthermore, it allows you to face whatever lies ahead with more courage, enthusiasm, and strength.
5 Benefits of Practicing Radical Stoic Acceptance
- Reduced emotional struggles by not complaining or fighting against whatever happens to you.
- Improved decision-making skills as you accept your cards and keep calm instead of being overwhelmed by your emotions.
- Increased self-confidence through learning to play your given cards as best as possible.
- You begin to live more courageously as you know your capabilities and can handle anything.
- All of this will boost your resilience.
8 Ways to Practice Radical Stoic Acceptance
Let's dive into the practical and exciting part. Master the art of riding emotional waves like a pro and make the most of your given cards.
1. Understand and Apply the Dichotomy of Control
To develop Radical Stoic Acceptance, you first need to understand what you can control and cannot. Behavior, thoughts, desires, aversion, and actions are within your power. Your body, property, possessions, relationships, wealth, fame, and reputation are not. Basically, you can control whatever is your own doing and can't control whatever is not your own doing.
2. Cultivate a Neutral Mindset
Neutral thinking is a great way to foster Stoic acceptance. You see every event as neutral, refraining from categorizing them as positive or negative. And that right from the beginning of your thinking process! Car accident? Shit happens. Got a bad grade at school? This is not the end of the world; you can do better next time. Didn't get the promotion you were working so hard for? No worries. You'll look closely at the reasons and move on.
3. The Stoic Archer
That's another mindset shift you can take. The Stoic archer focuses solely on what they can control but is detached from the outcome. Why? Because results are rarely within our control.
4. Stoic Mindfulness
Mindfulness practices are the foundation of any activity of the mind. Without being mindful, no one could recognize their emotions or judgments. Meditation, premeditatio malorum (also known as negative visualization), or journaling are great ways to start.
5. Practice Gratitude
Remember, one of the components of Radical Stoic Acceptance is to love whatever happens to you. Showing gratitude for every experience will help to cultivate this attitude. Instead of getting stuck in negative emotions, you welcome every single experience as your chance to learn and grow. This will take a lot of pressure from unwanted events. Instead of "Damn, why does this happen to me." you say something like, "Hey, adversity. Thanks for coming. I was already waiting for you. Try me, I'm ready."
6. Stoic Kindness
Kindness is essential. Emotions will come up, but your task is to be non-judgmental. Be nice to yourself. You are a human being who has natural feelings. That doesn't make you evil. Never blame yourself for your emotions. Just accept them the same way as you take a situation.
7. Use Stoic Mantras
I'm a huge fan of using Stoic mantras. And the simplest one to practice Radical Stoic Acceptance is "amor fati". Regardless of what fate puts in your way, use your mantra to remind yourself to accept it with love.
8. Get the Stoic Sage at Your Side
Imagine you have someone you're really looking up to at your side - day by day. Someone you genuinely admire. That's the concept of the Stoic sage: an ideal person who acts as your personal role model. When you face a challenge, ask yourself what your role model would do. Would they accept a situation, staying peaceful and entirely focused on the next step within their control, or would your sage freak out and complain like a little child?
Criticism
As promised, we'll also look at common criticisms of the practice of acceptance.
Acceptance Leads to Passiveness
Do you remember our example of the Stoic archer? An archer is very active until the moment they release the arrow from the bow. From then on, everything is in the hands of fate. Similarly, acceptance only accepts what's outside of one's control. It doesn't mean you submit to the outcome or give up.
Instead, acceptance encourages you to put all your energy into things within your power if you're unhappy with a situation. There, you have the biggest leverage to actually change something.
Acceptance Leads to The Suppression of Emotions
Again, we accept all emotions when practicing Radical Stoic Acceptance. It's about acknowledging and becoming aware of our feelings - non-judgmentally and without blaming ourselves. Then, we get active and work with them. Instead of suppressing them, we question and reframe them.
You might feel angry or disappointed because you missed your flight to your vacation destination, but do those feelings change your situation? I assume not. They just cause more pain and suffering. So what do you do? You accept the problem, you accept that you felt angry and disappointed at first, and then you put your energy into finding a solution.
Acceptance can lead to the neglect of personal boundaries
Some argue that accepting everything outside one's control can enable harmful behaviors or tolerate abusive situations. That's also not the case. No one wants to live in an abusive relationship, for instance. And as we've learned before, when we're unhappy with our circumstances, we focus on things we can control. Still, in such a situation, we would have to accept that our partner is abusive and that we currently live in an abusive relationship. That would be just the fact and reality. Accepting the truth enables us to take the necessary steps to protect ourselves and seek help.
I would turn this argument around. Without acceptance, there is a significant risk of remaining in such a relationship as we might indulge in wishful thinking, hoping our partner will change.
Final Thoughts
Whether you call it amor fati, Stoic acceptance, radical acceptance, or my preferred version, Radical Stoic Acceptance, I strongly encourage everyone to cultivate a mindset of acceptance. It's inevitable to find happiness and a flourishing life. It allows us to see and face reality at the given moment instead of complaining or trying to resist something we can't change immediately. Then, with a clear view of our circumstances, we can take action to improve our situation.
