How to Deal with Guilt, Regret & Remorse

‍Guilt, regret, remorse: Three terms that are highly related but still different. Once settled in, they cast shadows on our present and future. But where shadows are, light is found as well. In this article, I'd like to delve into the differences between those emotions and how you can use Stoic philosophy to step out of their shadows into the warmth of light. If you're serious about overcoming guilt, regret, and remorse, read on and discover the power of Stoicism in managing these profound emotions.

Guilt, Regret, and Remorse - What's the Difference?

Learning to handle and overcome these emotions requires understanding their differences. Like with every other emotion, before we can banish it, we need to name it. Let's do it!

What's guilt?

Guilt is a feeling that occurs when you believe you have done something wrong and take responsibility for that violation against your values or what you think is right. You feel guilt when it is a fact that you've failed to live up to your expectations and values.

Let's consider two examples. Imagine you want to eat healthier and shed some pounds. One evening, you succumb to that tempting package of Oreo cookies, and you eat them all. The next day, you feel guilty because you broke your own rules for healthy eating. But you don't necessarily regret it or feel remorse.

In a more complex scenario, suppose you're a manager at a company and, due to a misunderstanding, you unfairly reprimand a team member in a meeting. You recognize that you've wronged a colleague, take responsibility for your actions (you acknowledge that you did wrong), and experience guilt because you've acted against your values of treating everyone fairly and respectfully. In this case, you might also feel a sense of regret.

What's regret?

Regret is a conscious negative emotional reaction caused by a mistake that you've made. It's a feeling of sadness and also involves feeling sorry for decisions that have been made or not made and wishing you had acted differently. Regret is only a feeling, not a fact like guilt. Usually, you regret an action or inaction (a perceived missed opportunity). Regretting doesn't involve feeling bad because you've hurt others.

For instance, suppose you chose to study a subject in college because of your parents, ignoring your own interests. Years later, you realize that your passion lies elsewhere, and you wish you had pursued a different field of study. This is regret. It's a conscious, adverse, emotional reaction to a past decision you perceive as a mistake.

What's remorse?

Remorse is very similar to regret but takes it a step further. It's a strong feeling of sadness and deep and painful regret about a wrongdoing of yours. You know you did something wrong and wish you could change it. Remorse is linked to a sense of responsibility for the given situation and how your choices have harmfully affected other people. You also might feel the wish to change it and make amends. The feeling of remorse leads to guilt, and unlike regret, it involves feeling bad because you harmed someone else.

Let's consider the following example. You were distractedly texting while walking, and because of your inadvertence, a cyclist had to break abruptly and came to fall. You mumble a quick apology and hurry away. Later, you reflect on your lack of attentiveness and the harm you might have caused, wishing you had stopped to offer help. You begin to feel bad and desire to rectify your action - you feel remorse.

Consequences of Guilt, Regret, and Remorse

While often perceived negatively, guilt, regret, and remorse can be beneficial when used as stimuli for personal growth and stronger relationships. The social component of these emotions keeps us in check by encouraging us to evaluate our actions against societal norms or personal values. They can foster empathy and understanding and often prompt amends, thereby playing a critical role in maintaining and enhancing the quality of our interpersonal relationships.

But there's another side of the coin. When indulging excessively in guilt, regret, or remorse, they indeed become unhealthy and can cause harm, leading to psychological issues. The cycle of negativity casts shadows, and anxiety, despair, or even depression can follow. It can push us to engage in harmful behaviors as a form of self-punishment and creates a sense of unhappiness with life. Stoics would convey that it restrains us from living with arete (an excellent character) and prevents eudaimonia (a flourishing life). These feelings keep us trapped in the past, preventing us from moving forward. We can't see a way out and get consumed by unhealthy thoughts - the shadow has just become too large to see the light. Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, and chronic stress or illness are the consequences.¹

You see, there are two sides of the same coin. Be it guilt, regret, or remorse, they all can do good for our personal growth and relationships, or they can cause harm. The problem is that most of us haven't learned to cope with those feelings. As a consequence, many get overwhelmed and struggle to find a way out of the shadow. The shadows start taking over, and our minds become their playground.

8 Exercises to Overcoming Guilt and Moving Forward with Stoicism

"The duty of a man is to be useful to his fellow-men; if possible, to be useful to many of them; failing this, to be useful to a few; failing this, to be useful to his neighbours, and, failing them, to himself: for when he helps others, he advances the general interests of mankind." Seneca, Of Leisure 3

Stoicism offers techniques for dealing with guilt, regret, and remorse, helping you to overcome them and find your way back into the light. But there's no magical cure. Overcoming it takes a lot of consistent emotional work, and no one but yourself has to go through it. But by doing the work, you become useful to yourself and others, ultimately advancing the greater good of humanity. When coping with these emotions, keep this lecture from Seneca always in mind. Consider it as part of the learning process and your growth, and neither your past actions nor your feelings are in vain. 

1. Accept your past actions

"What a power man has to do nothing except what God will approve, and to accept all that God may give him." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.11

Acceptance is inevitable when dealing with emotions. If we can't change a situation, what other choice do we have than accepting what is? Yes, we can lament and try to resist or suppress, but that doesn't make things better. Dwelling on guilt, regret, or remorse doesn't change what already has happened. Our bad feelings will still be there, under the radar, and might come to haunt us when we least expect it. We can't change the past, but we can learn from it and use our mistakes as a foundation for future growth. As Marcus Aurelius said, accept all that God may give you.

If you're interested, you can read more about the concept of Stoic Radical Acceptance here.

2. Practice Self-Forgiveness

"In my talk I express the most admirable sentiments, yet I am still weltering amid countless ills. You must not force me to act up to my rules: at the present time I am forming myself, moulding my character, and striving to rise myself to the height of a great example. If I should ever succeed in carrying out all that I have set myself to accomplish, you may then demand that my words and deeds should correspond." Seneca, Of a Happy Life 24

Here's a surprising fact: You're a human being and not perfect! No one is. Learning to forgive yourself is essential. As long as you always aim for the best and do your best in the present moment, there's no need to beat yourself up for past mistakes. It's past, and you deserve to forgive yourself for not being perfect and making mistakes. What really matters is how you learn from your past actions.

3. Reframe Your Thinking

"Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of things." Epictetus, Enchiridion 5

We've already seen that there are two sides of the same coin. Guilt, regret, and remorse can do good and bad simultaneously. Which perspective do you choose? Are you going to put in the effort to use your feelings for growth, or do you prefer to dwell, letting the shadow grow? Find what you can learn from your experience and do better next time.

4. Mindfulness

"Everywhere and at all times it is in your power piously to acquiesce in your present condition, and to behave, justly to those who are about you, and to exert your skill upon your present thoughts, that nothing shall steal into them without being well examined." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.54

Stoics advocate for maintaining awareness of the present moment. By focusing on the present, you can avoid getting caught up in circles of negative thoughts about the past. It helps to redirect your mind and take action that fosters personal growth. Whenever you catch yourself in such a mental loop, take a deep breath and bring your attention to the present moment. What can you do to overcome your emotions? If you have no clue, there's one thing you can always do - reflection.

5. Reflect and examine your intentions

"Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if you will ever dig." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.59

Reflection is a fundamental part of Stoic practice and crucial for learning. It allows you to gain insights and find the root cause of your actions and your judgment when you've done something wrong or perceive your behavior as wrong. Let's consider three examples.

• Guilt Example: You broke a promise to a friend because of work commitments. On reflection, you realize that your intentions were not to hurt your friend but to fulfill an essential responsibility in your life.
• Regret Example: You declined a job offer you now wish you had accepted. When you examine your intention, you realize that, at the time, the other job seemed like the best choice based on the information you had.
• Remorse Example: Lastly, suppose you insulted a loved one during a heated argument. Reflecting on your intentions, you realize that you were trying to express your frustrations and not to harm them.

The discernments you win through your reflection pave the way for self-forgiveness and genuine apology, helping you overcome guilt, regret, or remorse. You can focus on the next step out of the shadow instead of dwelling on the past.

6. Control What You Can

"In our own power are the will, and all voluntary actions." Epictetus, Discourses 1.22

Can you control the past, or do you have the power to undo your actions? Certainly not. You can't change what has happened. Lamenting or dwelling won't change your situation and your feelings. But in the present moment, you have everything needed to cope with your feelings of guilt, regret, or remorse. What's within your power? Right, taking action and practicing Stoic teachings - be it one of those mentioned above or one of the following.

7. Apologize And Make Amends

"Since you yourself are one of the parts that serve to perfect a social system, let your every action contribute to the perfecting of social life. Any action of yours, then, which has no reference, whether direct or indirect, to these social ends, tears your life apart, prevents it from being at one, and creates division, as does the citizen in a state who for his own part cuts himself off from the concord of his fellows." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 9.23

When dealing with guilt and remorse, apologizing is necessary to repair damage. Does it undo what you've done? By no means. But it can help foster forgiveness. Whether you write a letter or express your feelings face to face, an honest apology and an attempt to make amends is a powerful act of kindness and an essential phase toward overcoming guilt and remorse. You take responsibility for your failures and acknowledge your part in the social sphere of a community of fellow humans. Apologizing and making amends is the reasonable Stoic way forward to contribute to the perfecting of social life.

8. Seek Help

"Be not ashamed to be helped for it is your business to do your duty like a soldier in the assault on a town." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.7

Guilt, regret, and remorse are totally normal emotions every human experiences. So, don't be ashamed to talk about it with someone you trust or go to a therapist if nothing else helps. Wouldn't you lend a hand to a friend asking for help? Like you, others are keen and happy to help when asked. Don't hesitate to question a trustee for advice. An open conversation can offer new perspectives and often reveals a lot. Admitting that you can't cope with these emotions alone is the ultimate strength. It shows wisdom and self-awareness and demonstrates your readiness to improve. 

Final Thoughts

Dealing and overcoming guilt, regret, or remorse is a process. Healing takes time; you won't get over it in a night. With Stoicism as the guiding philosophy of life, you can cultivate a solid mindset, enabling you to cope with these feelings, head up high, and step out of their shadows. Fate permitting, you'll live a happier, eudaimonic life.