A Guide on How to Deal with Jealousy in Romantic Relationships
Whether you're constantly jealous and want to overcome it or you have to cope with a jealous partner, Stoicism can offer a helpful perspective and actionable tips to actively tackle this problem. Jealousy can be destructive, but it doesn't have to be if appropriately addressed. There are ways to overcome this emotion and create trust as well as confidence in yourself and your relationship. This guide will introduce how to apply Stoicisms principles to cope with jealousy and build a strong connection based on respect and understanding.
TL;DR
Jealousy is rooted in fear and insecurity, but by applying the Stoic virtues, couples can overcome it and save their relationship. Acceptance, the Dichotomy of Control, and honest and kind communication are key techniques that'll help.
Where Does Jealousy Come From?
Jealousy is a natural emotion in human relationships that arises when one fears the loss of a beloved person. I'm sure you've felt this emotion in some way in your life - maybe just a tiny, tiny bit. Connected to that loved person is an inner "love claim". And here's the crucial part: Jealousy doesn't arise without this claim attitude! But if the claim to love is supposedly or actually dissatisfied, a feeling of insecurity, fear, or even anger comes into being.
The reasons for jealousy often lie in negative interpersonal experiences, for example, infidelity in previous relationships or little attention and love in the parental home. But no matter which of these reasons might apply, they are all ultimately based on one core: self-doubt.
The following risk factors contribute to the development of jealousy:
- lack of self-esteem
- traumatic (loss) experiences in the past
- imprints from childhood
- emotional (and possibly also material) dependence on the partner
So basically, jealousy comes from insecurity and self-doubt, which leads to a fear of losing something or someone a person already "possess".
With this understanding, we can move forward and explore Stoic ideas to handle jealousy.
How to deal with a jealous partner?
While a bit of jealousy might be cute (and healthy) in a relationship, it can become unhealthy and destructive when crossing over into possessiveness and controlling behavior. Instead of breaking up with your jealous partner, you ask yourself how to deal with an insecure, jealous boyfriend/girlfriend and how to help them and your relationship. Right? Great, I've some helpful tips from Stoic philosophy you can apply today.
All of the below-mentioned techniques are based on Stoic principles and virtues. You'll apply one or more of the Stoic virtues of wisdom, temperance, justice, and courage in each. Why is this important to mention? Well, because Stoics believe that these virtues are necessary to achieve eudaimonia or happiness. And since jealousy can be incredibly destructive, it's essential to focus on virtuous behavior to find peace of mind under these stressful circumstances.
Focus on what you can control
"There are things which are within our power, and there are things which are beyond our power. Within our power are opinion, aim, desire, aversion, and, in one word, whatever affairs are our own. Beyond our power are body, property, reputation, office, and, in one word, whatever are not properly our own affairs." Epictetus, Enchiridion 1
One of the most powerful ideas of Stoicism - the Dichotomy of Control. You can't control your partner's behavior, but you can control yours. You can control your thoughts and actions. Focus on them and leave everything else as it is. That way, you will find happiness in your relationship even when struggling with a jealous partner.
And the best? You apply the virtues of wisdom and temperance. The latter is used by accepting the things you can't control instead of trying to change them - you tame your temper and desire regarding those things. The former is applied by knowing and focusing on what's within your control.
Accept the situation
"Demand not that events should happen as you wish; but wish them to happen as they do happen, and you will go on well." Epictetus, Enchiridion 8
You may wish your partner weren't jealous, but here you are, searching for a solution on how to deal with jealousy in a relationship. Accept the facts. Don't complain. Fate has put you in this situation because you can handle it. It's your challenge to grow as a person in a romantic relationship. It's your opportunity to practice temperance and wisdom.
- Accept that jealousy (in small doses) is normal for human beings.
- Accept that your partner has a problem with (unhealthy) jealousy which comes from their insecurity and fear.
- Accept that it will take time and work to cure it.
Honest and kind communication
"Kindness is invincible, if it be sincere and not hypocritical or a mere façade. For what can the most insulting of people do to you if you are consistently kind to him, and, when the occasion allows, gently advise him and quietly put him on the proper course at the very time when he is attempting to do you a mischief." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 11.18
Approach the situation not by reacting defensively or getting angry. That would only fuel the fire and wouldn't make things better. Instead, have an open and honest conversation about your feelings and what your partner's jealousy does to you. As you are aware that this behavior is rooted in fear, show empathy and understanding and reassure them of your commitment to your relationship. Listen closely and try to find the root cause of their jealousy together. Give them the freedom to express their fears and discuss different solutions.
All of the four virtues are required when communicating in a relationship. You apply temperance by showing patience instead of getting defensive or angry. You use justice by treating both of you fairly with equal space to express yourselves without judgment or criticism. Courage is required to take action, leave your comfort zone and address this unpleasant topic. Finally, you apply wisdom by applying the other virtues and showing understanding and acknowledgment of where jealousy comes from.
Put yourself in each other's shoes
"When a man has done you any wrong, immediately consider with what opinion about good or evil he has done wrong. For when you have seen this, you will pity him, and will neither wonder nor be angry. For either you yourself think the same thing to be good that he does, or another thing of the same kind. It is your duty then to pardon him. But if you do not think such things to be good or evil, you will more readily be well disposed to him who is in error." Marcus Aurelius, Mediations, 7.26
We tend to think jealousy is inappropriate and stupid, but as a human emotion, it's not. You're dealing with a human being, so take their feeling of fear seriously. It has its reasons and doesn't come out of nowhere. Even if you can't understand it at the moment, your partner is feeling this fear from the bottom of their heart.
To help both of you change perspectives. After a transparent and honest conversation, you should have enough understanding of each other's feelings and situation. Try to see your behavior through their eyes and vice versa. This will foster a deeper mutual understanding and bond.
It can be really challenging, especially when dealing with a jealous partner who exhibits some seriously unhealthy behavior to which you can't relate even a little bit. You definitely need the virtue of courage to do this. And as a side effect, you nurture your wisdom.
Set boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is a great way to apply the dichotomy of control. You focus on what you can control and let your partner know where you draw the line. When these boundaries are crossed, it will have consequences. Don't tell them what to do; that's not within your control. But be clear about your reaction and what it might mean for your relationship.
For example, if your partner reads your messages without your permission, you can let them know that it's not appropriate and that there will be consequences if they do it again. This might make them more aware of their behavior and prevent future repeat offenses. Tell them that such behavior will create a lack of trust and is unacceptable in a healthy relationship you want to have.
You let your partner know how you want to be treated and what you expect in a relationship. You stand up for yourself. That's courageous. That's just. Applied Stoic virtues in a challenging situation - amazing!
Search for help and go to therapy
"Be not ashamed to be helped for it is your business to do your duty like a soldier in the assault on a town." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.7
If you can't solve this problem as a couple, going to a professional therapist is an option. There is no shame in asking for help; it shows how much you care about your relationship. Realizing that more help is needed is applied wisdom and courage.
Talking to a therapist about your and your partner's emotions might feel more uncomfortable, but getting a neutral view and feedback from a professional can be valuable. A therapist provides guidance on properly handling the situation and offers solutions to reduce tensions in your relationship. With their help, you and your partner can learn ways to cope with jealousy and maybe even overcome it together.
In a nutshell, applying Stoic techniques and the Stoic virtues empowers you to deal with jealousy in a romantic relationship effectively while keeping your peace of mind, serenity, and a eudaimonic life. You gain back control in a situation most people feel at the mercy of it. Instead of being the victim of your partner's jealousy and your reactive emotions, you seize control of the situation. Embrace this mindset, and you ensure that everything will be alright in the end.
How to deal with your own jealousy?
Do you find yourself constantly experiencing feelings of jealousy in your relationship? You know it could damage it, but you still struggle to manage your emotions. You want to trust your partner more, but this little voice in your head keeps giving you a bad gut feeling and filling your mind with circulating thoughts. If that sounds like you, well, Stoicism offers techniques to help you cope with your emotions healthily.
Acknowledge your responsibility
The truth is, you're responsible for your emotions, thus your jealousy. It stems from your thoughts and experiences; no one except you can overcome them. If you want a healthier and more fulfilling relationship and life, you must do most of the work.
That's going to be a rough road, and it will require a lot of you. Luckily, the four Stoic virtues are your guiding light throughout this journey: wisdom, temperance (or self-discipline), justice, and courage.
Find the root cause
"But in the first place, be not hurried away by excitement; but say, Semblance, wait for me a little. Let me see what you are, and what you represent. Let me try you." Epictetus, Discourses 2.28
To handle your jealousy effectively, you must first understand its origin. What leads to that fear of being betrayed or left alone? What experiences have you had?
When you recognize that jealousy arises, stop and ask yourself, "Semblance, wait for me a little. Let me see what you are, and what you represent. Let me try you." Why does this feeling come up? What evidence-based facts do you have that this emotion is now justified? Can you think of a similar situation in the past where you got disappointed by your partner? Asking yourself these kind of questions can give you clues about the underlying beliefs.
Accept your fear
Many people avoid admitting that they fear something. It's seen as a weakness; of course, nobody wants to be weak. Are you one of them? Then I have surprising news for you. Fear is not a sign of weakness but rather of humanity. As long as you're a human, you will feel fear from time to time, and that's okay. Don't be ashamed!
Accept that you fear losing a loved one, losing your partner, losing your relationship. You feel fear because you love! If you didn't love your partner, you wouldn't fear losing them and, by that, wouldn't experience jealousy.
But don't let this fear rule your rational mind, and certainly don't let it destroy your relationship.
Confront your problem
"It is a ridiculous thing for a man not to fly from his own badness, which is indeed possible, but to fly from other men's badness, which is impossible." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 7.71
Don't hide your wounds, and don't let them consume you. In other words, don't suppress your emotions or pretend that they're not there. You feel what you feel, but you need to find a way to confront and address the root of your jealousy.
Start by talking about it with your partner or a therapist if needed. It's not easy, but only when you face what hurts you can overcome it. Stay calm, kind, and ensure mutual respect. Talk non-judgmentally about your emotions, and don't rebuke your partner. Remember, it's your responsibility; this feeling is yours!
Tame your imagination
Make use of all four Stoic virtues to tame your initial impressions, thus taming your jealousy.
"Seek at once, therefore, to be able to say to every unpleasing semblance, 'You are but a semblance and by no means the real thing.' And then examine it by those rules which you have; and first and chiefly, by this: whether it concerns the things which are within our own power, or those which are not; and if it concerns anything beyond our power, be prepared to say that it is nothing to you." Epictetus, Enchiridion 1
"When we have meat before us and such eatables, we receive the impression that this is the dead body of a fish, and this is the dead body of a bird or of a pig. And again, that this Falernian wine is only a little grape juice, and this purple robe some sheep's wool dyed with the blood of a shellfish. Such then are these impressions, and they reach the things themselves and penetrate them, and so we see what kind of things they are. Just in the same way ought we to act all through life, and where there are things which appear most worthy of our appropriation, we ought to lay them bare and look at their worthlessness and strip them of all the words by which they are exalted. For outward show is a wonderful perverter of the reason, and when you are the most sure that you are employed about things worth your pains, it is then that it cheats you most." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.13
When jealousy arises, people often go like crazy and picture the wildest things in their heads. But these thoughts are rarely true, just imaginary pictures that come up. Taming your impressions will help you observe the situation objectively and increase self-control.
Don't take negative thoughts for granted when they appear. Challenge yourself. Ask yourself if this is real or only an impression. Is this thought based on facts or only your fear? And most importantly: Can you do anything about it?
Develop a neutral mindset to come to objective judgments and describe the situation without emotion. For example, you might say something like, "I noticed that my partner has been spending more time away from home lately," or "I saw a text message on my partner's phone from someone I don't know." instead of "My partner has been spending a lot of time away from home lately, I'm sure there's something wrong, and he/she is cheating on me." or "I saw a text message on my partner's phone, what is he/she hiding from me?".
Avoid making assumptions or forming judgments based on observations without knowing the complete picture and seeing all perspectives. Your jealousy often has no valid reason, and overthinking or jumping to conclusions won't help you and your relationship.
Proving your impression, if it is valid, and only assenting to it when you're 100% sure is a great way to reduce your feelings of jealousy.
Let go of your past and future
"All those things at which you wish to arrive by a circuitous road you can have now, if you do not refuse them to yourself. And this means, if you will take no notice of all the past, and trust the future to providence, and direct the present only conformably to piety and justice." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 12.1
Your past has already gone and is not up to you. Things have happened, and you can't change them anymore. Your ex-partner cheated? That's sad, but it has nothing to do with your current partner. Trust is the better guide for a healthy relationship. So, instead of focusing on mistrusting your partner, focus on what you can do in the present moment and your current relationship, which is building a trustworthy and healthy relationship instead of mirroring experiences from the past and assuming that it will happen to you again.
The future is something you can't control either. You don't know what will happen and who's the cheating partner - if there's someone at all. Maybe you'll live a happy life together until you die when you overcome your jealousy. Or you will cheat. Or perhaps your partner will. Who knows? The best way to keep your love alive is to focus on the present and become a better partner - for yourself and your relationship.
Change is inevitable, embrace it, prepare for the worst case, and don't be surprised when it happens. All you can do is become a trustworthy and good partner willing to invest effort in their relationship.
Good luck improving your relationship with these Stoic tips, and keep living virtuously and happily! Don't let jealousy take over. Your relationship is worth the effort!
May your love grow stronger and ever-lasting!
