Stop Comparing Yourself

Do you often find yourself in a situation where you compare yourself to others? Not only do your coworkers have the better style, and your friends have the more beautiful and adventurous vacations, but even your grandma's water gymnastics instructor seems to be doing better than you.

Escaping the self-comparison trap is difficult in our modern world, but ending this self-inflicted torture is necessary to live happier, more fulfilling lives - the goal of Stoicism.

So, let's embark on a journey to overcome social comparison with the help of this ancient philosophy.

TL;DR

• There are two types of social comparison: downward and upward.
• Downward comparison: when we compare ourselves to individuals or groups that we consider worse off to feel better about our situation.
• Upward comparison: when we compare ourselves to individuals or groups we perceive as better or superior than ourselves to improve our self-view.
• Both can simultaneously be beneficial and harmful.
• We can't simply stop comparing ourselves to others, as social comparison is deeply ingrained in human nature.
• How we deal with them makes all the difference between having a fierce fire burning within, propelling us forward, or running unguarded in a battle against a deceitful enemy.

Why We Compare Ourselves To Others

Humans all inherently have an internal drive, a "comparison force" used for self-evaluation, self-enhancement, and self-improvement.⁶ It helps us determine our worth (social and personal) based on how we stack up against others, which is essential as social creatures. Eventually, we want to fit in, being a part of the tribe.

Usually, this happens unconsciously in a split second without notice. And while it can provide a sense of belonging, help set goals, and serve as a driving force for personal development, it can quickly become toxic. More on that later.

And because comparing with others is ingrained in our human nature, we can't stop comparing ourselves to others. It's an unrealistic expectation. However, we can change the way we deal with it, reducing its impact on our mental health while fostering personal growth.

What Is Social Comparison?

Social comparison is a theory introduced by the social psychologist Leon Festiger. It explains how we evaluate our opinions and abilities by comparing ourselves to others. By doing so, we try to reduce uncertainty and learn to define ourselves - we gain self-knowledge.¹

Comparing ourselves to others is, therefore, a totally normal behavior strategy. It's a self-assessment to identify and understand ourselves according to our standards and emotions. Consider self-comparison as the tool we use for this kind of assessment.

Following this thought, social comparison is not necessarily harmful. Indeed, it can be helpful on the path to eudaimonia - what Stoics call a flourishing life according to our human nature. The secret lies in using this tool correctly. 

If you're like me, you've experienced the frustration of attempting to drill into concrete with a wood drill. With social comparison, it's the same. When we use our tools correctly, magic will happen. When we misuse it, frustration is guaranteed.

The Two Types Of Social Comparison

We usually compare ourselves in two ways. Downward and upward. Let's see what they are.

The Downward Comparison

Imagine you're invited to a social gathering but unsure about the dress code. You decide to wear your favorite comfortable clothing but not to overdress. As you arrive at the event, you realize everyone's dressed to the nines and feel slightly uncomfortable. Suddenly, you spot a friend, Jamie, who seems to have put even less effort into their look. They're in a plain T-shirt, worn-out jeans, and sneakers. Suddenly, you feel better about yourself. You think, "Well, at least I tried more than Jamie."

It's the kind of comparison that can elevate our self-regard, making us feel better and increasing our subjective well-being.^2,3 For instance, research has shown that breast cancer patients often compare themselves to those less fortunate, leading to an enhanced and more positive outlook on their circumstances.⁴ 

In short, downward comparison is when we compare ourselves to individuals or groups that we consider worse off to feel better about our own situation.

The Upward Comparison

On the other hand, upward comparison is when we compare ourselves to individuals or groups we perceive as better or superior to ourselves in order to improve our self-view.

While this kind of comparison can motivate us to achieve our goals, it can have a diametrical effect when taken to the extreme. Without further thought, upward comparison can lead to feelings of sadness, dissatisfaction, and inferiority. Thus, it can lower self-regard.⁵

When comparing upward, we make ourselves believe we are part of the superior group, highlighting the similarities between ourselves and others.

The Danger Of Social Comparison

As we've seen, comparison isn't an issue per se. Instead, it's something very natural for human beings. But when we overly compare ourselves to others, we're putting not only our individual growth but also our happiness and mental health at risk. Especially when our comparison is without further thought.

But when the social comparison is natural and necessary, where's the danger to our mental health? Well, the most problematic thing is that we're too often unaware of the differences between us and those we're comparing ourselves with. We're setting a false relation and end up dissatisfied.

A Social Media Example

A common example nowadays is a comparison based on social media where all the lovely pictures, reels, and stories seem perfect compared to our lives. Why's everyone else so happy, but we're not?

Because we only see what others want us to see - a snapshot of their lives.

When comparing ourselves to these selective representations, we compare our complete and unfiltered lives to someone else's highlights - a fundamentally flawed and unfair comparison. We're measuring against unrealistic standards that don't reflect reality at all. 

I guess you wouldn't judge and critique a polished and edited Hollywood blockbuster compared to a behind-the-scenes documentary based on its special effects. Of course, this would be unfair, and the Hollywood movie would seem better.

The same goes for most of our upward comparisons.

A Work Environment Example

Let's consider a second example. After working at a company for several years, you find yourself in a situation where you consistently focus on underperforming colleagues. You perceive yourself as superior, which boosts your self-esteem, making you feel good. But over time, it creates a distorted perspective. Through your downward comparison lenses, you seem better than you genuinely are, overlooking your own need for improvement.

So, what's the danger? Ignoring to put things into perspective when comparing.

Instead of simple one-to-one comparisons, we must take our abilities, circumstances, and other elements into account. Otherwise, our comparison will be inaccurate and potentially harmful.

It's a matter of fact that we can't compare our lives directly to the lives of others. We all have had unique experiences and have overcome distinct struggles in our own way. Thus, we have to consider our individual circumstances.

Your friend might have a bigger, more luxurious house, the newest car, or fancier vacations. But have you had the same conditions in your life? Can you really compare your lives one-to-one?

As long as we don't measure against a realistic and achievable benchmark, it can result in low self-esteem and feelings of being an underachiever.

Turning The Dowsides Into Benefits

We now know social comparison has a well-deserved place in human behavior, but it also has its perils. But how can we ensure we benefit from it while lessening its potentially harmful effects?

Here are several strategies to ensure you're using the correct drill and avoid the frustration of mistakenly using a wood drill on concrete.

Cultivate Stoic Mindfulness

"Through not observing what is in the mind of another a man has seldom been seen to be unhappy but those who do not observe the movements of their own minds must necessarily be unhappy." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 2.8

The first step in conquering social comparison to your benefit is understanding your comparison patterns. Are you the downward comparison type of person or more on the upward comparison side? Or can you identify any specific patterns when you tend to one of these types? For instance, do you tend to make upward comparisons when it comes to fitness and downward comparisons when it comes to intelligence?

Whatever it is, it's vital to bring them to your consciousness. One of the best ways of doing that is writing. So, start a journal and find at least one example per day where you've compared yourself to someone else. Jot down all the details, like upward/downward comparison, comparison theme (fitness, health, job, wealth), and all your thoughts and emotions.

Once you've done this for a couple of days, try to be aware of when you compare yourself to others during the day. Catch your patterns and observe yourself and your upcoming thoughts consciously, non-judgmentally, and calmly.

Make The Risks And Benefits Visible

"Look inward. Don't let the true nature or value of anything elude you." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.3

After you know your typical comparison patterns, the second thing you can do is to make your comparison's hidden threats and potential benefits visible.

Use your journal entries from the last days and build something like this:

Comparison Theme: Job

Downward Comparison: My colleague, Bob, often delivers terrible results in his work and misses deadlines regularly. I'm glad not to be in his position.

Motivation: Bob's work results and inability to deal with deadlines motivate me to do better.

Threat: I might actually believe I'm better and get a little lazy and sloppy with my own work. At least Bob's doing worse.

Updated Downward Comparison: Bob often delivers terrible results in his work and misses deadlines regularly. It reminds me how important it is to do my best, prioritize my tasks, and ask for help when I struggle. Still, I'm grateful for having the ability to do a great job.

Comparison Theme: Social Media

Upward Comparison: My friend's Insta page is full of amazing vacation pictures. She always looks so great. I want to be more like her.

Motivation: Her various vacations inspire me to travel more and broaden my horizons.

Threat: Only considering my friend's Insta page and concluding her life is better than mine based on that snapshot of her life can lead to feelings of inferiority.

Updated Upward Comparison: My friend's Insta page is full of amazing vacation pictures. She always looks so great. I know it's just a tiny perspective on her life, but I am so happy for her. Before I travel next time, I'll ask her for advice.

Comparison Theme: Fitness Level

Upward Comparison: My colleague goes for a run every day. When she can, I can too.

Motivation: Seeing my colleague's commitment to regular physical activity motivates me to kickstart my fitness journey.

Threat: A constant comparison to my colleague without considering the differences in our circumstances can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration. For instance, my colleague might have fewer familial responsibilities, allowing her more time to dedicate to physical activity.

Updated Upward Comparison: My colleague goes for a run every day. When she can, I can, too, to the best of my abilities and circumstances.

Nourish Gratitude

"He is a man of sense who does not grieve for what he has not, but rejoices in what he has." Epictetus, Fragments 124

Make it a daily routine to recognize and appreciate what you have instead of dwelling on what you lack to foster a strong gratitude mindset. It'll help you overcome social comparison risks by acknowledging the good things in your life.

Create a gratitude journal or meditate each day about things you're grateful for. It's vital not to do it in a hurry but to connect to your emotions in that moment. Feel the bond to whatever you're grateful for and stay for a moment with your feelings.

With time and practice, your mood will change when you compare yourself to others. You don't become as envious or frustrated anymore, and feelings of inadequacy will slowly fade.

Foster Kindness

"How can it still be true that I hold correct judgments if I'm not satisfied to be what I am, but get worked up about what other people will think of me?" Epictetus, Discourses, 4.6, 24

Be kind to yourself when feelings of inadequacy arise. You're a unique human being with strengths and weaknesses like everyone. Challenge your feelings and see if they might misguide you. Ask yourself if you've already considered the different aspects of your comparison. Do you compare two complete pictures or just one small piece?

If you're feeling inferior because of a specific skill or talent, remember that these can be learned and developed. Keep in mind how long it might have taken for another one to achieve a high level in a particular skill. Putting in the effort and dedication to improve is what truly matters.

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Focus On What You Can Control

"Your good faith is your own, your self-respect is your own; for who can take those away from you? Who apart from yourself can prevent you from making use of them? But for your own part, how do you behave? Whenever you devote your attention to what is not your own, you lose what is truly your own." Seneca, Letters on Ethics, 6.7

To focus on what's within your control is one of Stoicism's most essential ideas.

While you can't influence what others do or have, you can always exercise control over your thoughts and actions. Everything else needs just your radical acceptance.

In the context of social comparison, this means shifting your focus toward personal growth rather than comparing yourself to others. This inward focus will help reduce the importance of external comparators and increase personal fulfillment.

Don't aim to be better than someone else. There are too many things on this path you can't control. Strive to be the best version of yourself. That's ultimately in your power. Such a mindset allows you to reach your goals, becoming the active designer of your life instead of wasting your energy on things you can't control.

Final Thoughts

Use comparisons as motivation, not as a benchmark.

While it's okay to compare, we must use wise and deliberate judgment to avoid falling into the trap of using it as a benchmark for our self-worth and self-esteem. With some wisdom and practice, we can turn social comparisons into a powerful source of motivation and finally grow as human beings.

It's a subtle but vital distinction between beneficial and harmful comparisons that allows us to step out of the shadow of grandma's water gymnastics instructor into a flourishing life.

Resources:

1) Wikipedia

2) apa.org social comparison

3) apa.org downward comparison principles

4) apa.org downward comparison

5) apa.org upward comparison

6) Wikipedia

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