Boost your happiness and explore the powerful connection between Stoic kindness and happiness.
"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness." Seneca, Of A Happy Life 24
TL;DR
- Developing Stoic kindness is a three-step process consisting of motivation, recognition, and application.
- Kindness can lead to better relationships, which are crucial for lasting happiness.
- Small, informal acts of kindness lead to greater eudaimonic happiness (toward which Stoics strive).
What is kindness?
Kindness is one of a person's most essential and admirable traits. It is being generous, compassionate, caring, and concerned toward others without expecting any reward or praise. In short, being nice to others. Kindness is strength, and it makes the world a better place.
What does Stoicism say about kindness?
Let's read some related quotes to understand what Stoics say about kindness.
"And let this truth be present to you in the excitement of anger: that to be moved by passion is not manly but that mildness and gentleness, as they are more agreeable to human nature, are more manly. And he who possesses these qualities possesses strength, nerves and courage, and not the man who is subject to fits of passion and discontent. For the same degree to the extent that a man's mind is nearer to freedom from all passion it is also nearer to strength. And as the sense of pain is characteristic of weakness, so also is anger." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 11.18
"Savagery must be met by kindness." Seneca, Of Anger 3.27
"No longer talk at all about the kind of man that a good man ought to be, but be such." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 10.16
"Try how the life of the good man suits you, the life of him who is satisfied with his portion out of the whole, and satisfied with his own just acts and benevolent disposition." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 4.25
"When you are going to attack any one with vehemence and threatening, remember to say first to yourself, that you are constituted gentle, and that by doing nothing violent, you will live without the need of repentance, and irreproachable." Epictetus, Fragments 66
"No one can have a happy life if he looks only to himself, turning everything to his own advantage. If you want to live for yourself, you must live for another. This sense of companionship links all human beings to one another; it holds that there is a common law of humankind, and if carefully and reverently preserved, it contributes greatly also to the maintenance of that other companionship I was speaking of, the one within a friendship. For he who has much in common with a fellow human will have everything in common with his friend." Seneca, Moral Letters, 48, 2-3
"A human being finds delight in doing what is proper to a human being; and what is proper to him is to show goodwill to his own kind." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.26
"Kindness forbids one to be arrogant or critical toward one's associates; it is gentle and approachable with everyone in word and deed and feeling; it thinks of every misfortune as its own, and welcomes every stroke of good fortune mainly to share it with another." Seneca, Moral Letters, 88.30
"[The wise person] does not make the worst out of everything, nor does he go looking for someone to blame for his misfortune; rather, he attributes to fortune the misdeeds of other people. He does not find fault with people's words or facial expressions; he puts a kind interpretation on anything that happens and thus makes it easier to bear. He is not one to remember an offense rather than a service. Insofar as he can, he dwells on earlier and better memories of others." Seneca, Moral Letters, 81.25
To summarize, kindness is deeply ingrained in Stoicism, as it is seen as natural human behavior. Stoics want to act in accordance with nature to reach a eudaimonic life, and kindness is the way of rational human beings. Thus, to flourish toward happiness, we hold one key in our hands: kindness.
Benefits of practicing kindness
Being kind to others has several benefits that shouldn't be underestimated - both for the receiver and the giver. From a Stoic perspective, acting kind and friendly is aligned with the Stoic virtues, and it's totally in our control and therefore satisfies every aspect of reaching eudaimonia or happiness. Besides that, we can back it up with some more modern research.
Kindess build better relationsships
Have you ever been kind to others and experienced their welcoming to it? Have you ever experienced the feeling of being treated kindly, with respect, benevolence, and love when you needed helping hands? Both felt good and created a sense of happiness, right? You created a short but meaningful connection with another person with nothing but an act of kindness. In a time where self-centeredness is often the norm, these acts of friendliness sometimes restore our trust in humanity.
In closer relationships with friends, romantic partners, colleagues, or family members, acts of kindness often strengthen the bond of trust and understanding. The others feel seen and noticed and are likelier to do the same to you - a win-win situation. Supported by this research, people with stronger relationships tend to live happier lives.
Kindness can reduce stress
One study has examined how prosocial behavior can mitigate the negative effects of stress. It indicated that engaging in prosocial behavior like kindness can lead to lower stress levels and might help to reduce the impact of stress.
Kindness can increase eudaimonic happiness
In a meta-analysis of prosocial behavior and the rewards of kindness, researchers found that people who behaved kindly tended to have higher well-being. The most exciting part is that informal acts of kindness, like holding the door open for someone or offering to help a person carry heavy groceries, tend to lead to greater happiness than more formal acts of kindness, like volunteering in a soup kitchen. Kind people also tended to feel more eudaimonic happiness (the sort of happiness Stoics are striving for, defined by meaning and purpose in life) than hedonic happiness (defined by pleasure and comfort).
That's cool because performing small acts of kindness doesn't require much effort but dramatically impacts your happiness.
How to apply and practice kindness on your Stoic Journey?
In Stoicism, kindness is a sign of strength. Being kind takes courage and wisdom, especially when situations or other people's behavior is difficult. When you are kind, you are showing that you are in control of your emotions and that you care about others. Respond with tolerance and kindness when dealing with difficult people or others' bad behavior. No one can hinder you from that. It is not a reason to misbehave just because others do - that would simply be childish and inappropriate for a rational human being.
So, how can you build that strength and apply it to your life?
3 simple Steps to Kindness and Eudaimonic Happiness
It starts by understanding the three-step process to kindness:
- Develop the motivation to be kind to others.
- Recognize the kindness in others.
- Apply acts of kindness in your daily life.
Following these steps will ensure that your level of kindness (followed by happiness) will increase over time.
Kindness exercises for each step
Develop the motivation to be kind to others
To do this, I recommend writing a Stoic mantra as a reminder. You can include it in your Stoic morning routine or connect it to one of your daily tasks, like leaving your home, etc.
- "I will be kind today."
- "I will spread love and goodness wherever I go."
- "I am in control of my emotions and I choose to be kind."
- "I am strong because I am kind."
Do it until it has become a part of your identity. You want to feed this inner feeling, the intrinsic motivation of your Stoic mindset, that you want to be kind to everyone. You want to be kind by choice because you know it is right and virtuous and will lead you to a happier life, not because you have to.
Please don't stop with your mantra when kind behavior has become part of your identity. Practicing Stoicism is lifelong training, and you always have the danger of falling back into old habits.
Recognize the kindness in others
There are two ways I recommend.
First, reflect on your day and scan it for acts of kindness you received. Then appreciate it and the giver again. Write it in your journal or do it mentally, whatever you prefer. You can also create a spreadsheet if you want. Just add the following columns: Date, Act of Kindness, and Giver. With that, you have your own sort of kindness tracker.
Second, appreciate those acts on the fly and try to feel and show gratitude immediately. Feel the connection between you and your kindness giver and try to put yourself in the shoes of the other one for a moment. This is more advanced as it involves being fully present in the moment, but it gives you instantly strong emotional feedback and creates a bond you later hardly feel again.
Apply acts of kindness in your daily life
Now it's your turn to actively practice kindness. Set yourself a goal of how many acts of kindness you want to perform during a day. You can use a thing counter to track your progress or do it with pen and paper. Of course, you don't have to do it at all if you don't want to, but it can be helpful.
Experience this feeling by yourself and see how a smile can brighten someone's day or how a hug can provide comfort during times of distress.
Like in the recognizing exercise, you can create a spreadsheet to track what you've done as a giver of kindness. Here are a few ideas of what acts of kindness you can do:
- Hold the door open for someone.
- Let someone go ahead of you in line.
- Help carry someone's groceries.
- Give up your seat on the bus or train.
- Send a thank-you note.
- Compliment someone.
- Smile at strangers.
Curious how the life of a good and kind human being suits you? Let's try it out and start a chain reaction of kindness today! It will make you feel good and might just make someone else's day, too.
